t Double Yellow's Musings: September 2005

Double Yellow's Musings

The warped mind of Double Yellow craves for humor everyday. His daily dose comes from The Straits Times, The Sunday Times, Today, Channelnewsasia, etc. He also thinks that because of this preamble, this blog will never get featured in the local media. And of course, please read the Disclaimer before embarking on the journey.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Big, Bigger and Biggest Brudder

“The Big Brudder is always watching us” is a fairly common saying in Singapore. But unknown to most, there is a Bigger Brudder.

When people began to throw themselves in front of MRT trains to end their misery, the authorities decided to install CCTVs (the Big Brudder) in all the stations to ‘monitor’ activity. After some hiccups, the Big Brudder finally got functioning.

"You are being watched by Big Brudder for your own good."

That was the tagline used and soon after the number of people who like to jump in front of moving trains dropped dramatically. Suddenly everybody was happier. Until the day came when one guy lost his laptop at the train station and lost it. Everyone turned to the Big Brudder for help but was told that Big Brudder may have been looking the other way.

And in the process, it has now been revealed that there may be another CCTV system (Bigger Brudder) which monitors the MRT stations and the train staffs don’t have access to this footage. This Bigger Brudder is there to ensure that the Big Brudder does its job.

This incident will fade away and everyone will again be happy that Bigger Brudder is watching both Big Brudder and us. Now I wonder.... could there be a Biggest Brudder? :)

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Known Unknowns Revisited

In a Department of Defence News Transcript, Donald Rumsfeld, the Secretary of Defence made this infamous statement....

"The message is that there are no "knowns." There are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say there are things that we now know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."

I think we have just managed to match the above statement with one of our own. Talking about the Casino Control Bill, one good minister took pains to explain the size of the department that will control anti-vice activities. He said…

"We don't want an oversized department and end up not having much to do. We hope we don't have much to do, but at the same time when we need to do a job, we make sure we have enough people to do the job or, at least, to understand how to do the job."

I guess just saying that “the department size will be sufficient enough” would have been too confusing for Singaporeans :)

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Prestigious School in Bishan-Ang Mo Kio Area

First it was the issue of taupok-ing.

And now there is the 'problem' of school kids writing bad but possibly accurate things about their teachers.

And in both cases, there is one common link - “prestigious school in Bishan-Ang Mo Kio Area”. Oh stop it already. I can’t take it anymore. What in the world is “prestigious school in Bishan-Ang Mo Kio Area”? Hiding behind a veil of anonymity? In a place like Singapore where privacy is worse than the chewing gum stuck on the underside of your shoe, how can such secrecy be allowed? :)

I decided to do the unthinkable among Singaporean journalists – investigate. I wanted to use the Street Directory but then remembered that they copyright all their maps and if I use it for a greater good, they will surely sue me. So I went to the best source possible – Google Earth!

That’s Bishan-Ang Mo Kio area for you but cannot make out anything because of the clouds. Next stop – MOE website. A criteria search revealed the answer. But I guess most of us know the answer by now oredi :)

Funny also hor, how the letter to the newspaper spoke about blogging at an all boys school but the kids against who action was taken were all girls :) Guess that only means that there is more drama to come....

btw, mrbrown has a damn funny suggestion on how the teachers can respond to students blogging about them...

Maybe teachers should start their own blogs and flame their students back. Better yet, have a yearly Interschool Teacher-Student Flamewar Blogging Championship. Like a WWE of blogging.

I think its a foregone conclusion that the teachers will win. If not, the students sure kenna in their school work.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Singapore Heartland in Texas?

Woodlands Rita

I looked and looked for anything that may seem remotely familiar in the pitcher but cannot find leh. I must be able to spot the MRT or the library. But nope, I really could not place the location. The caption (in the The Straits Times, 24 Sep 05) clearly said that

"Woodlands residents waving to cars north-bound on Interstate 45 during the evacuation ahead of Hurricane Rita"

There were many things that didn't seem right....

1. Woodlands oredi in the north, so north-bound means what ??? going Malaysia is it?
2. But Singapore and Malaysia both dun have Interstate 45 what...
3. Hurricane Rita in Southeast Asia? According to the list of hurricane names here, we should not be using Rita.

I could not figure it out till my kaaki tell me that may be U.S. got one city called Woodlands. I was like... oh ya hor, like dat also can. So I decided to check it out and indeed there is a
Woodlands in Texas. And no, its not a Singapore heartland :)

Maybe our media really expected all Singaporeans to know that there was a city called Woodlands in the U.S. and I am the bodoh.... :)

Saturday, September 24, 2005

The Ongoing Biological War in Singapore

Overheard in a dark, moist and secluded place somewhere in Singapore....

[Leader]: Dear comrades, I have some grave news. The enemy has intensified its attack on us. They are beginning to use gas and mercilessly kill all of us.
[Comrades]: How many casualties?
[Leader]: Hundreds of thousands!!
[Comrades]: How many deaths on their side?
[Leader]: Ten

The above conversation refers to the ongoing biological war in Singapore - the battle that we are waging against .... [drumroll] .... mosquitoes. The commander of the mosquitoes talks to his people. The conversation continues….

[Comrades]: But why are they killing all of us?
[Leader]: I am not sure. It’s a war against our whole community.
[Comrades]: But its only a handful of extrem(aedes)ists that are the cause of the problem. The majority of us are moderates.
[Leader]: Yes, of course. But they don’t seem to realize this.
[Comrades]: Can all we moderates send them a cluster petition?
[Leader]: Every time we form a cluster to file a petition, they come and gas us out. Then they reveal our secret clustering sites on something they call a website.

[Comrades]: What options do we have?
[Leader]: One way is to think of a way to contribute to their GDP.
[Thinker]: Well, we could suck blood from reluctant blood donors and give it to their blood bank.
[Leader]: It’s unlikely that they will accept this proposition because the extrem(aedes)ists could infiltrate our ranks.
[Thinker]: With the huge rise in the number of insecticide bottles being sold, aren’t we already contributing to their GDP with our lives?
[Leader]: Hmmm....

[Leader]: What is biggest problem faced by our enemy? Maybe we can help them solve that and get a peace deal in the process.
[Spy]: Bus fare cheats.
[Leader]: Ah, any ideas on what we can do about them?
[Thinker]: Maybe we can get the extrem(aedes)ists to monitor buses and if any passenger cheats, they can give him the dengue!
[Leader]: Brilliant, they will save $9 million and hopefully we will not be gassed.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Popular Reads and Pet Peeves

I have made some minor changes to the template. I have included a Popular Reads and Pet Peeves section on the left. Its funny how the two never seem to have any common posts :) And as you can see from the hasty alternations, html is not my forte.

Not sure how many of you use the so-called RSS thingy, but if you want the old fashioned email update, drop me a note.

Did Race Really Matter? - Part II

In an earliest post, I mentioned that our 'objective' media are unnecessarily citing the race of the subjects of their article. Well, they are at it again.

Casual use of race when reporting a murder. Why? Why? Why in the world does the race of the victim matter? Will he/she be treated differently? Why the accused be treated differently?

Please, grow up.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Are Hurricane Names Sexist?

After the seething rage of Katrina and now the fury of Rita, I wonder whether hurricane names are sexist. I was tempted to say ‘YES’ and be the person who discovered something cool and of course, claim moral higher ground :) But I decided to check out the history of hurricane names and there were a lot more interesting finds....

The history of hurricane names seems to have come more out of necessity than anything else. The use of female names is credited to one Clement Wragge, an Australian meteorologist. He probably really believed that “Hell Hath no Fury Like a Woman Scorned”.

Hurricane names seem to have been christened after women till 1978 (when some women’s group protested). After that, both male and female names supposedly take turns. There six lists that are used in rotation. So after Katrina and before Rita, we should have heard about Lee, Maria, Nate, Ophelia and Philippe. I never hear about any of these leh. It’s not easy to be called Katrina or Rita today and thankfully, there is a list of retired hurricane names.

Just as I was about to think it’s the end of the road, I noticed the names given to cyclones by countries in our region. The meanings of these names reveal a lot....

Cambodian names follow flowers, trees, animals and a ‘pretty girl’!!!
Chinese names follow mythical animals.
North Korean names follow flowers, animals and trees too.
Hong Kong’s names follow mountains, airports and ‘common pet name for young girls’!!!
Japanese names follow astronomical constellations.
Laos’ names follow trees, animals and rivers.
Macau’s names follow flowers, bird, insects and food!!!
Malaysian names follow fish, flowers, fruits and animals.
Micronesian names follow spices, a chief’s title and mythical creatures.
Filipino names follow animals and adjectives!!!
South Korean names follow animals, insects and flowers.
Thai names follow flowers, fruits and Gods!!!
Vietnamese names follow birds, trees, places and planets!!!

And no, Singapore does not provide a list of names. That’s probably because we never have a cyclone here. Our gahmen will make sure of that :) But if we did, then I wonder what the names will be....

- Blogger
- Opposition Party
- Mosquito
- Madcow
- Haze

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Lantern Festival at Chinese Gardens

I went to the lantern festival at Chinese Gardens recently. The theme this time was 'Animals' and they made sure that everything from extinct dinosaurs to mythical dragons were lit up.

There was a pretty good facade at the entrance....

And of course, loads of animals....

Lotsa game stalls, entertainment and of course, food....

To add a final touch to the whole festival, I also noticed that they had a cut-out an upright white elephant and also one that is being attacked by a tiger.... mebbe the organizers are trying to tell us something :)

My full Flickr set is here. I have used the tag lanternfestival for these photos. Feel free to add to the list if you have any more :)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Did Race Really Matter?

Soon after the incident when two bloggers were charged with making racist comments, I felt that there is more to the racist incident that just the debate about ‘freedom of speech’ and ‘blogging with responsibility’. One of the things that I highlighted in an earlier post was that....

Racism exists because of Race: You can alter the way you dress, change your job, amend your political loyalties and even choose another religious faith. But you can’t change your race. I wonder whether racism has something to do with the existential nature of race. Maybe if we avoid using race as a way to manage Singapore society, it could help in alleviating racist attacks.

Let me elaborate slightly more today. There are two news reports that caught my eye yesterday. The first was a front page article about an elderly homeless couple who stayed in a car park. Nothing wrong with that per se, but one sentence caught my eye....

"Both are Chinese."

A few pages down, there was another article on a security guard found murdered. Again nothing wrong with that; just that the opening line went...

"A Chinese security guard in his late 40s...."

Was the race of the elderly couple and the security guard important or even relevant to the main thrust of the article? NO. Yet it was mentioned as if it was significant. The casual use of the race of a human being in day-to-day lingo is distressing. As a first step, lets try to get rid of identifying with race. Because all it provides for is stereotypes, nothing more.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Older Workers Transfer Knowledge meh?

There is an ad on the MRT nowadays about how older workers can acquire new skills and remain employable. While the campaign may be a good thing, one of the ads quotes an older saying this....

(My apologies for the shaky photograph. Not my fault leh, the train nowadays shake a lot one. It says… What I learn, I pass on to my juniors so that they can learn at their age what I know at my age)

Got such thing one meh? All the older workers I know are very very very …. very ….v..e..r..y hesitant to teach the younger workers what they know. There is a mentality among most older workers that if they transfer their knowledge to the younger ones, they become dispensable. And during the next retrenchment exercise, they will be the first to go.

And why not? It makes logical sense doesn’t it? Why should the older worker be the only one retraining like crazy? The newbie will no doubt be able to do the same job at a much cheaper salary. All the older workers I have met or spoken to, all try to carve out their niches in the company. They are of course, very diligent in their jobs but try their very best to keep the tricks of their trade a secret. Ask them to document what they are doing and you will see lots of foot-dragging.

Hence I don’t really understand the point of the ad…. but am sure our scholarship-holding civil servants must have a theory about this that will put Derrida to shame :)

Friday, September 16, 2005

In Defence of the Singaporean Man

The debate of whether why Singaporean women seemingly prefer angmoh men to locals will surely ever reach a consensus. I don’t mean to stir the hornets nest again but there were a couple of things which I heard/noticed that bring me to dispel certain myths about Singaporean men.

I don’t particularly want to get into discussing issues of anatomy, since people more well-versed in Hokkien than I am can articulate their fears views rather eloquently albeit in a crude manner :)

Myth 1: The Singaporean man does not know how to groom himself

This is so totally untrue. While the Singaporean man may not wear designer clothes all the time, he does know how to dress for the occasion. I passed by a local swimming pool recently. I expected to two-piece bikinis all over the place but I was instead greeted by not one, not two but many local men all sunbathing to get tanned! (see pic) I should say that none of them had an ounce of extra fat on them.

Myth 2: Singaporean men are not chivalrous

This again is totally false. Holding doors open for women may not be our forte but we have mastered the art of waiting outside a shoe shop why the love-of-our-life tries on the gazillion shoes she would love to have in her life. This pic was taken a Wisma Atria where the local men wait patiently. We could have gone to grab a beer or play video games but nope, here we are dutifully waiting.

All in all, I don’t think Singaporean men need to worry too much about our local women eloping with angmohs. We have our strengths and the angmohs have their weaknesses. Also, we rarely hear of angmoh women complaining about their men liking exotic Asian women. Is that because there are enough men to go around? I don’t know but I think that the Singaporean man will do well by expanding his horizons beyond the shores of Sentosa.

The Singaporean women may consider the above two points irrelevant and still prefer the angmoh for other reasons. But I’m not sure she knows what she is missing :p

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Buying over Malaysia

Some of you may have you noticed this ad in the local papers every other week. Every time I see it, it makes me wonder how many Singaporeans out there respond to this kinda stuff

Here IS a DUDE who CLAIMS that HE has PURCHASED twelve MALAYSIAN properties IN three YEARS. And YET the BEST he CAN do IS to PUT out AN ad THAT reads LIKE…er, this sentence :) What happened to that gorgeous supermodel or skimpily-clad celebrity who poses in front of his properties?

What’s more, he wants to share his secrets wif you. Yeah, he wants to tell you how to buy twelve Malaysian properties in three years. But what he does not tell you (at least in the ad) is what he stands to gain by telling you all these *whispers* secrets. The best part comes at the end....

I would like to personally invite you to this specially arranged meeting with me. It’s FREE but as I have only very limited space, you need to SMS now so that I may reserve a place for you. SMS NOW before all the seats are taken up. Your seat is confirmed once I receive your SMS.

Wah lau.... where got like this one? You have limited space yet once you receive my SMS, my seat is confirmed? And why must only SMS hor? So that you can get my handphone number and hound me later issit? If 3 million Singaporeans respond to his call and actually get 12 properties every 3 years, I think we might be able to buy over all of Malaysia in a few decades :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Media Gaffes on Bush

Guess these have been circulating in emails for a while now. But when the media commits a faux pas on Bush, I crack up.

This first one was after Bush won the last election. Some 'brilliant' CNN dude named the picture in question, asshole.jpg. An attentive surfer saw this and decided to spread the message. If I am not wrong, the guy lost his job for telling the truth.

This other one is more recent after the Katrina disaster. It was Sky News this time and it says

I wonder whether the news producer got whacked for this :)

I dun think our media commits such gaffes. At least I haven’t seen any. Time to pray… hard :)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Changi – The Bestest Airport Evar

Sometimes I wonder whether our media have a tendency to write the conclusion of an article before getting the data required to substantiate the thesis. In an article on Changi airport last week, I suspect that the foregone conclusion was that Changi airport is the bestest airport evar.

The articled titled, “Despite crashes, flying's safe” said that major airplane accidents were at the “lowest level of 0.06 per one million departures last year”. It goes to talk about dun know what ‘Taxi-On-The-Greens' lighting system and quotes one guy as saying

“This is only available in Changi and is one of the things that distinguishes Changi from many airports around the world — even the major ones”

A correction to the above article was published yesterday. The level of accidents is actually at 0.6 per million departures. Heeelllooo? That’s like a 10 percent discrepancy you know. But of course, conclusion of the original article is still the same – Changi is safe :)

And the quote on the lighting system was WRONG. The guy actually said that other airports like London’s Heathrow also have this system. Wah lau.... so it’s not unique to Changi. But of course, the conclusion of the original article is still the same – Changi is safe :)

Racism in Singapore Blogosphere – Some Lessons

It’s all over the papers and websites. Two people kenna charged over using racist remarks on their blog and some forums. The usual deliberation that is shaping up in Singapore blogosphere is whether this is a setback on the infamous “freedom of speech” and “opening up Singapore” issues. While these can be debated (with no conclusion) until the PAP loses power end of the world, I feel there are few more things that can be learnt from this episode....

Blogosphere is Public Domain: No amount of squealing that what you write on a website is private is going to get you anywhere. Irrespective of a password-protected webpage, you can be charged based on what you write. More importantly, you cannot retract your statements. Say once oredi, tattooed for life. So, think before you ink.

Sedition is different from Defamation: Many bloggers are comparing the PSC scholar incident (where he allegedly defamed a top Singapore civil servant) with this one. Defamation and sedition are two different things - the former attacks a specific person or company while the latter seeks to (intentionally or otherwise) incite people against a particular target group. Hence weighing one against the other is like comparing apples to oranges.

The very act of Writing makes you Accountable: Under the Sedition Act in Singapore, the state is not obliged to show that someone’s view turned racist because of what you wrote. The very fact that you wrote it renders you liable under the law.

Not Everyone needs be Charged: Arguing that other people at various forums made worse racist comments is no defence. The Attorney General I guess has the power to choose who he wants to haul into court and on what charge.

Racism exists because of Race: You can alter the way you dress, change your job, amend your political loyalties and even choose another religious faith. But you can’t change your race. I wonder whether racism has something to do with the existential nature of race. Maybe if we avoid using race as a way to manage Singapore society, it could help in alleviating racist attacks.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Getting Feverish about Dengue – Part II

Just when I thought I had had enough of dengue, I saw an article that has forced me to write about the insects that (unlike the rest of us) do not fear the Internal Security Act.

Our media seem to have realized the flaw in suggesting that rising humid temperature is one of the causes. Because then hor, how do they explain that other cities in the same latitude as Singapore that do not have a dengue problem? So three more theories have been suggested....

Still, there is no theory that our gahmen do not know about how to fight the dengue. Maybe there is no evidence to advance such a claim. But substantiation of above theories does not require much legwork.

Theory 1: Fumigation is not effective
Reporter: We fumigate every area of Singapore until we think that the haze has come again from Indonesia. How come you still survive ah?
Aedes mosquito: Bodoh lah you. You dun know we have your fumigation schedules on our palpus meh?

Theory 2: Foreign workers may have brought in new strand
Reporter: When you come to Singapore ah?
Aedes mosquito: Last time hor, after you kill us, we got no choice. When you decided to get foreign talent for Singapore, we piggy-back also lor.

Theory 3: Successful gahmen initiative 35 years ago have made us less immune
Reporter: 35 years ago, we kill all of you. Den how come you so effective now ah?
Aedes mosquito: Just like all of you, we go for retraining. There is boom in our job market at the moment.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

CSI: Singapore

Singapore’s ambition to become the Las Vegas of the East just got a boost. While the gahmen readies the casinos that will bring in the glitz and sleaze, couple of recent gruesome body-parts murders I think qualifies the producers to Crime Scene Investigation to consider a Singapore version.

Will such a series be a success? Of course…. our darling media will ensure that the series is a hit among Singaporeans even before the first scene is shot (pun unintended). This is an opportunity not to be missed. We could become the crime scene hub of the region. Riding on the already successful first season, we could also have a CSI: Sentosa. Possibly even a CSI: Pulau Tekong that will feature soldier deaths during NS.

To write the plots of CSI: Singapore will not require foreign talent. We have many over- qualified people over at The New Paper who know very well how to blend sex and murder in an explicit manner. But I am not very sure of the actors leh.... none of the local artistes can match Gill Grissom. As always, we could have a SMS contest that will involve all of Singapore to choose the lead actor.

All hail CSI: Singapore!

Friday, September 09, 2005

I Support Terrorism?

I thought that only the local media could humor me. But unlike most other things, they cannot claim to have monopoly over this. For I have just come to know that the white elephant incident at Buangkok station “caused a terrorist scare”!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t remember a single news report that spoke about the white elephant episode as a terrorist incident. And I am “cheering [the elephant picture’s] existence”?? Is this website trying to suggest that I support terrorist scares in Singapore?? I fell off my chair laughing because I re-read my post again and again and I make no mention of terrorism leh.

I think the Singapore media has met its match.

The post was put up by some dude called Jose Manuel Tesoro. He is a student at Harvard (dun pray pray noe) and has got some book prize this year also. And then I saw that he was a journalist and suddenly that explained everything :)

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Something in the Posters

You can talk about it, you can read about it, you can write about it, even make a movie about it. But you cannot print a poster about it. Welcome to the state of lesbianism in Singapore.

I think hor, the gahmen must have conducted some high-tech research that is secret from the whole world. If you see a still picture for too long, there will be biological changes in your body that will make you take on the character in the picture. For reasons better known to the gahmen, such changes do not occur when you see movies.

Really, this must be true. We can see all the sex and sleaze we want on cable television but we cannot see the pics in an adult magazine. All that sex and sleaze on TV did not cause our birth rates to shoot up. But if we allowed Playboy to be sold in Singapore, then there would be baby boom. So many babies that we may need to stop all non-urgent surgery in hospitals and quarantine dengue patients in some container.

Of course, all these results are limited to the realm of sex because there reverse seems to hold true when it comes to politics. Here, one can stare at as many pictures of political figures for how ever long they want. But making political party films is banned here. And yet we have an apolitical populace. One more sphere that is unaffected is horror. If not, all of us should have turned into hungry ghosts by now :)

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Singapore’s National Animal – White Elephant

Off late, Singaporeans have discovered a new way to give feedback to the gahmen. It’s through pitchers of white elephants. Recently hor, when a good minister was touring visiting the area around Buangkok station, someone had put up pitchers of white elephants outside the station to tell the gahmen something they oredi know :)

I think we need to leverage on this new form of communication. We could go around putting pitchers of white elephants in Sentosa and Haw Par Villa and at the same time keeping some in reserve for the two new casinos. But before doing such things, we need to start at home. Some good places to hang white elephant pitchers will be on your gym gear, vacuum cleaner and massage chair.

We should also start putting cash in white elephant packets (dun worry lah, not against the law one) and pay....

- the doctor who can never seem to prescribe medicine less than $50
- the lawyer who always makes more money for himself than for you
- the housing agent who is more interested in the commission
- the car mechanic who always finds something or the other to replace
- the stock broker who can never give you a bumper stock to buy
- the plumber who replaces your entire sink for every clog

The gahmen should take the lead in this initiative and come up with a white elephant paper. Forget squirrel, we should make the majestic white elephant our national animal. Most importantly hor, this white elephant initiative will ensure that none of our men-in-white gahmen minister can become overweight! koray or not? :)

P.S: I am sure many of you are already working on a new white elephant pitcher to put on your boss’ desk. One piece of advice – remember not to leave it around in the house and let your wife find it and think it’s for her. If that happens, you will be nursing a black eye and groin pain like me :(

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Getting Feverish about Dengue

Singaporeans seem to be getting all worked up about dengue fever these days. The number of deaths due to dengue is up and this does not reflect well on the statistics needed to make Singapore a healthy hub. Despite a prevention program in place, why a sudden rise in dengue fever cases? This was exactly the question posed by the media to Singaporeans not too long ago. The answer of course, could never lie in flawed prevention campaign. It had to be something that the gahmen could not control – like as the media has suggested, rising temperature.

I think the gahmen needs to have a more comprehensive “war on dengue” campaign. They need to give all households a kit that contains....

- a torch (wif batteries of course) so that we can all look for the mosquito in those hard-to-reach places
- a pitcher of how the dengue-causing Aedes mosquito looks like
- a magnifying glass so that we can ensure that the mosquito we kill is really the Aedes
- many coupons to subsidize aircon bills so that we can keep our homes cool
- a form to enter into a contest for the highest number of Aedes mosquitoes killed
- the prize being a trip to a cold country with no mosquitoes

While I eagerly wait for this free kit in the mail, I have decided to launch my own anti-dengue initiative. To ensure that water does not stagnate....

- swim at least twice a week in the local community swimming pool
- go to the beach in Sentosa and East Coast every other day and throw stones in the water (these so-called beaches dun have waves one)
- Shake the water cooler in your office everyday
- Use a different toilet cubicle in your office washroom every time

I think the gahmen must be proud of my effort. All those years of teaching me how to be creative is finally paying off :)

P.S: I know that the attempt to get rid of dengue in Singapore is a serious one but hey, nobody said we need to have a deadpan approach :)

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Wake Up!! You are in Singapore

I suspect that one of our transport companies conducted a survey recently. It must have asked commuters what was the first thing they wanted to know when they woke up from their comfortable sleep in our world-class seamless transport system. The overwhelming answer must have been....

Where in the world am I?

By that, I guess the respondents meant that they wanted to know whether they missed their stop in Eunos and ended up in Woodlands. But our scholarship-holding ingenious civil servants took the rhetorical answer literally. In their drive to impress the upper echelons of the gahmen with their customer service attitude, they decided to put up a sign that said.... [drumroll] .... Singapore!

Now I can clearly understand the rationale behind raising the transport fares. Such innovative features in our bus will ensure that Singapore becomes remains the transport hub of the region.

Friday, September 02, 2005

The National Service Condom

Location: HDB flat
Time: Dark, steamy night
Situation: Couple just about to make love

Hubby: Sweetheart, you look so hot tonight!
Wifey: *blushes*
Hubby: Sweetheart, should we try to make a baby tonight?
Wifey: Honey, I don’t really want kids now.
Hubby: I agree. We’re not ready. But you know…
Wifey: I know. That’s why I got a condom.
Hubby: YOU DID WHAT????
Wifey: This was the only way out. You know I can’t buy the pill anymore.
Hubby: But, but…
Wifey: Don’t worry. Just use it.

Just as the hubby goes to open the condom packet, highly-trained police come crashing through the windows that were just installed with new stainless steel rivets.

“Both of you are under arrest under the recently passed Population Act. You were designated to produce babies and increase the population of the nation. You are in violation of the law because you attempted to use a condom.”

If you think the above scenario is fiction, then think again. A VIP we all know has just recently said that demography is more crucial than democracy. And if he is right, sex, marriage and procreation may not be out of the purview of the gahmen.

In order to resolve this ‘problem’, I think the gahmen needs to make baby-making more adventurous. Maybe the gahmen can come up with its own brand of condom. Introducing ....[drumroll] .... National Service Condom. It will be sold by an organization than has the letters C, U, N and T in its acronym (not necessarily in that order). But the catch is this.... an unspecified number of those condoms will have a pin-prick hole in it. You see hor, the gahmen tells us that we are not very good risk takers. One way to get Singaporeans to take a calculated gamble on their future is by enticing them to use the National Service Condom.

Every year, maybe can even have lucky draw for all those couples who have babies thanks to this creative innovation. Other than IC, they need to produce the soiled condom for identification. All eligible couples can be made to appear on TV gazillion times and proudly narrate how wonderful it is to have a baby with the National Service Condom. The rest of us can then sms and vote for the couple who will be crowned the National Service Condom Idol.

Baby-making just became so much more fun....