t Double Yellow's Musings: The 8 Types of Official Replies to Forum Letters
The warped mind of Double Yellow craves for humor everyday. His daily dose comes from The Straits Times, The Sunday Times, Today, Channelnewsasia, etc. He also thinks that because of this preamble, this blog will never get featured in the local media. And of course, please read the Disclaimer before embarking on the journey.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

The 8 Types of Official Replies to Forum Letters

All official replies (both gahmen and others) to letters in the forum pages of our print media start off with.... I refer to Ya Da Blah’s letter about “Ya Da Blah”. But after that there is a variety of different kinds of replies. Here is a sample....

Type 1: Hush-Hush

We have contacted Ya Da Blah and resolved the matter. Now I will not give you any details of what transpired. We will not let you read all the vulgarities that we had to hear from Ya Da Blah for the screw up. Please accept our apologies for the same. We will also not let you know about the free gift that we had to give Ya Da Blah in order to resolve this matter.

We wish to inform all readers that they can call us on 1800-W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R hotline for further feedback.

Type 2: All Hail Me

We provide world-class service. Out systems are super secure and extremely robust. We carry out constant checks and we meet the highest international standards set. We do performance testing like no other. So far, we have found no evidence of anything going wrong.

So the glitch that you have pointed out is a delusion. If there is anything wrong, it has to be your side. So dun waste my time and write to the newspaper ok. Better pay up your outstanding bill before I kenna sue.

We would like assure all readers that we are committed to the affordable world-class service that we provide anyway.

Type 3: Bags full of Empathy

We empathize with his situation. But sorry hor, you see this fund is meant specifically for dis purpose. I know, it’s your money that I am not giving you but too bad, we cannot make exception for you. If I give you, den I have to give everybody else, then what about me?

We will continue to monitor the number of people complaining like you and if it becomes unbearable, den we will change the law. Meanwhile, you can take all the empathy that I have.

Type 4: Mystifying Statistics

You take this number. Then you multiply it by the GDP of Singapore. Then add the ERP on the CTE. We now had a choice of either to add the reserves of the NKF or the number of fare stages between two interchanges. After some deep regression analysis which you won’t understand anyway, we instead chose the number of babies born in the first half of this year. Hence you can see from these complicated calculations that your suggestion is flawed and will not work in the next hundred years.

If you really want to understand all the numbers, call us on 1800-W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R hotline so that we can refer you to the Institute of Mental Health.

Type 5: Me and Wrong?

Ya Da Blah applied for dis on dis date. Then on dat date, we processed dat and got back to him promptly. We did not do anything wrong. All the people who work for us are super-polite. Then when Ya Da Blah called us the other day, the person who was working on his case was on leave. So that’s why none of this is a mistake on our part. Everything is a big misunderstanding. We have called Ya Da Blah and resolved the matter with him and he is satisfied with our explanation.

We will ensure we optimize resources so that we make a profit. Our customers are very important to us. Please call our 1800-W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R hotline for further feedback. Please do not write to the newspaper and kill my rice bowl.

Type 6: Love the Law

Look here, this is the law. We take all violations of this law seriously. Anyone found in offence will be prosecuted severely. The maximum punishments include jail, fine, cane and if necessary, we will even send IRAS and CAD behind them. But you see hor, we cannot be everywhere at the same time. We only make the law; you Singaporeans are supposed to be deterred and not break the law.

If the public see anyone breaking this law, please call us at 1800-W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R hotline

Type 7: Market Friendly

I understand your problem. But you see hor, there is nothing that I can do. Blame it on this thing call the market. It works on this notion of supply and demand. If there is no demand, then there is no supply. It’s not my fault. Too bad you are a minority. Get more people to buy our services and obviously because of the demand (and the profit), we might just decide to consider your suggestion.

If you really have nothing better to do and really wish to talk to us, call us on 1800-W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R hotline.

Type 8: Busy Bee

Listen, I am really busy ok. I have to juggle family and career life. You think I so free ah? We conduct a review every so many months and we will take into consideration you suggestion then. If I implement your suggestion now, I will have no life you know.

So until the review is over (by which time I would have quit), don’t write to the newspaper and give me more work.


Blogger AG said...

Well, it's all typically "fuck off" rephrased. :X

6:45 PM  
Blogger doubleyellow said...

haha AG, well... aren't we creative to find so many ways to say the same thing ? :)

8:08 PM  
Blogger mooiness said...

That's why you need a university degree to be the press officer or PR whore/man-whore of a corporation and/or government departments. ;)

4 years of uni study to master the Thesaurus. Wahahahah.....

11:19 PM  
Blogger doubleyellow said...

hey mooiness, I dunno whether there is a special course for PR ppl in the uni. But i do know many degree-holding dudes who still use the MS Word thesaurus quite a bit :)

I guess those 4 yrs of uni study is so that one can have all the fun they can...

11:35 PM  
Blogger AG said...

lol~ i use dictionary.com :P

fun? uni? ....i suppose it would depend on what you're taking. :X

7:29 AM  
Blogger doubleyellow said...

haha AG, from what I hear the uni can be a lot of fun if you stay in the on-campus halls. loads of food, friends and er, romps :)

9:18 AM  
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5:24 PM  

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