t Double Yellow's Musings: Gas Attack at the IOC Meet?
The warped mind of Double Yellow craves for humor everyday. His daily dose comes from The Straits Times, The Sunday Times, Today, Channelnewsasia, etc. He also thinks that because of this preamble, this blog will never get featured in the local media. And of course, please read the Disclaimer before embarking on the journey.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Gas Attack at the IOC Meet?

8 months of preparation…..2000 security personnel….. random checks on shoppers…..all cars will be checked….bodyguards for VIPs…. one of the biggest security operations in Singapore…..'Fortress Singapore' they called it. Although the threat of a terrorist attack in Singapore is ‘low’, the security preparations for the upcoming IOC meet have been tremendous. When Singapore wants to impress, it goes all the way.

I did not think much of this until I went to buy potatoes a coupla days later. They were sold out at the NTUC. It was the same situation at the Shop n Save as well as at the wet market near my place. Something was not right....it was only after a dozen glasses of Absolut and Chivas did I finally get it. The authorities may have overlooked something. I fear that there might be an attack at the IOC meet at Raffles City. Here is a possible modus operandi

All the goons involved will be wearing power suits. They plan to enter via the Raffles City shopping centre and make their way to the place where the IOC convention is taking place [pink panther tune will be playing in the background]. They will clear all the security checks and hang around in the waiting area. Once all the delegates are seated and just the ‘Singapore showcase’ video begins, they will drop their pants, bend over and FART!! And while all the VIPs cover their nostrils from the unbearable stench, all the assailants make their way out to Chijmes and have a beer…:p

The attackers avoid being overwhelmed from the stink coz they are used to it. In fact, they have been practicing the art for many years now. In NS camps, there are competitions held as to who can release the most noxious gas from their behind. In HDB and office lifts, they release gas and then go, “eeewww…so smelly wan, sum people gaw no manners”. The biggest playground for these hoodlums is the MRT and buses. They are usually the first ones to cover their noses and give disapproving glances at people around them for unleashing toxic vapor into the atmosphere.

My advice for the security personnel – one of the many layers of security checks at the convention should be to carry out a safety inspection of everyone’s butts. After each delegate or visitor drop their bottoms, their bums will need to be examined for any suspicious odor. If necessary, deodorant will need to be sprayed on their behinds before allowing them to enter the main meeting arena. In order to entice the security chaps to take up this very important task, they can hold a small contest - anyone who can correctly guess what the delegates had for their last meal from their butt odor will be given a prize.

This is Singapore mah….must make sure all holes are probed angles are covered wat….;-)

P.S: I think the prize for the contest should be spa vacation but a more pragmatic choice would be a bucket to puke into...:p

P.P.S: Another suggestion for the authorities – while you’re at this, pls ensure that the potato stock at the supermarkets is back at the earliest….:p

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